What If I Grew Up Avoiding Conversations About Sex? Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ That Helps You Unlearn Shame
Maybe you find yourself struggling to create the sex life you want, even though you care deeply about your partner. Perhaps every time the topic of intimacy comes up, you feel your stomach tighten with anxiety or shame. You’re unsure how to discuss it, so you don’t. Over time, that silence can build walls between you and your loved one. You may feel distant, confused, or even resentful, and your partner may feel unwanted or uninformed about your needs. If this sounds familiar, you’re certainly not alone. Many people in their 20s and 30s who grew up in families where “sex” was a dirty word now struggle with intimacy and communication in adulthood. The good news is, with sex therapy in Scottsdale, AZ, it doesn’t have to stay this way.
The Legacy of Silence: How Shame Takes Root
If you grew up avoiding conversations about sex, it’s likely that you absorbed some unspoken lessons. In many families, sex is treated as taboo – something “bad” or dangerous that nice people shouldn’t talk about. Parents might think that by not discussing sex, they’re protecting their kids, but the unintended message children receive is that there is something inherently wrong or shameful about sexuality. For example, if all you ever heard during your teenage years was “Don’t have sex until you’re married!” – and nobody ever talked about the positive, healthy side of sexuality – it’s not hard to imagine the negative impact as you enter adulthood. You may have learned to associate sex with guilt, fear, or ignorance, rather than with love or pleasure.
These early messages stick, and shame thrives in secrecy and silence. Fast forward to today, and you might feel embarrassed or guilty even thinking about sex. You might struggle to express your desires or worry that having sexual feelings makes you “bad.” If you grew up in a very religious or conservative environment, the sense of shame might be even stronger. (For many LGBTQ+ folks, there’s often an added layer of shame from growing up with messages that their identities or desires were “wrong.”) Over time, all of this can seriously undermine your ability to form a healthy, satisfying intimate life.
When Shame Sabotages Your Relationship
Untouched shame from the past can quietly wreak havoc on your present. Sexual shame often shows up as avoidance and disconnection. You might avoid intimacy, finding reasons to skip sex or to be “too busy” – without fully realizing you’re doing it. Or you could be physically present with your partner but mentally checked out, unable to relax and enjoy the moment because a voice in your head is judging you. In some cases, shame can cause a person to be unfaithful or break their current relationship agreements because they don’t know how to talk about their sexual desires and fantasies with their partner. Shame can also make you feel like you’re broken or “not normal” for what you want (or don’t want) sexually. The truth is, your body and your desires are not the problem – the shame is.
Unlearning Shame and Reconnecting: How Therapy Can Help
The idea of facing your intimate issues in therapy might seem intimidating, especially if you’ve avoided these conversations your whole life. However, sex therapy is a safe and supportive place where you can finally unpack this baggage. At The Connection Couch, an online therapy practice based in Scottsdale, AZ, I specialize in helping individuals and couples heal from sexual shame and rebuild intimacy. I use proven approaches like EMDR and sex therapy to guide you in rewiring those old beliefs and learning new ways to connect. Let’s look at how each of these therapeutic modalities can support you on your journey:
EMDR – Healing the Root of Shame
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a powerful therapy originally developed for trauma, and it’s extremely helpful for going back and healing those deep-rooted shame triggers. How does it work? In simple terms, EMDR helps your brain reprocess distressing memories and unhelpful beliefs so they don’t feel so overwhelming or “stuck” anymore. Instead of just talking about what happened, you might focus on a specific memory while engaging in gentle bilateral stimulation (such as following a moving light or tapping), which helps your brain process the memory and release it.
When it comes to sexual shame, EMDR can target those pivotal moments that planted the seed of “Sex is wrong.” For example, maybe you vividly remember the first time you were scolded or shamed for a natural curiosity – that moment a parent or Sunday school teacher said, “Sex is dirty” or implied you should feel ashamed of your body. EMDR provides an opportunity to revisit that memory in a controlled and supportive way, allowing you to rewrite the script your mind created from it. With the help of a trained therapist, EMDR can transform the meaning of that event so it no longer triggers the same gut-level shame or fear.
Many clients find that after processing a few key memories, they feel an incredible sense of relief. The old mental “tape” that used to play (“I’m bad for feeling this” or “I’ll be punished for talking about sex”) gets replaced with a healthier belief – for instance, “It’s okay for me to enjoy intimacy”. By healing the root of your shame, you’ll likely find it easier to open up and be present with your partner.
Sex Therapy – Learning to Talk and Embrace Pleasure
Sex therapy is exactly what it sounds like: therapy that focuses on your sexual concerns, led by a professional who is comfortable with (and trained in) discussing sex openly. If you grew up in silence, walking into sex therapy can feel vulnerable and scary. Sex therapy is like a form of exposure therapy; the more you practice talking about sex– your worries, your questions, your fantasies – without fear of judgment, the easier it becomes. In fact, a big part of sex therapy is normalizing conversations about sex so that the topic no longer carries panic or shame. You’ll learn that nothing is “too weird” or “off-limits” to discuss as long as it’s consensual and important to you. This alone can be incredibly freeing over time.
In sex therapy sessions at The Connection Couch, we work on challenging those harmful beliefs you’ve been carrying. For instance, you might realize you’ve always thought “good girls (or boys) don’t do that,” or “wanting X means I’m perverted.” Together with your therapist, you’ll gently fact-check and replace those beliefs with healthier ones that are rooted in accurate sex education. Perhaps understanding that everyone has unique turn-ons and that doesn’t make you bad, or that it’s fine to not always want sex and still be a loving partner. Consider it an upgrade of your mental software, trading outdated shame-based scripts for truths that serve you better.
Practical Tools to Reconnect With Yourself and Your Partner
Sex therapy also provides practical tools. It’s not just talk – it’s about action and experience too. You and your therapist may practice ways to communicate your needs to your partner in a clear and caring manner. You could learn exercises for couples to slowly rebuild physical intimacy in a safe way. If anxiety tends to take over in the bedroom, your therapist may teach you mindfulness or grounding techniques to help you stay present and relaxed.
All of this happens at a pace you’re comfortable with. As you gain knowledge and skills, your confidence grows. What once felt awkward or scary starts to feel normal, even fun. And perhaps most importantly, you’ll come to see that you’re not alone or broken in your struggles. A sex therapist will reassure you that many people have similar challenges and that with help, these challenges can be overcome. Over time, shame begins to loosen its grip, making room for curiosity, pleasure, and closeness.
You Deserve a Fulfilling, Shame-Free Love Life
Learning to talk about sex and shedding years of shame is a journey, but it can truly transform your relationship and your self-esteem. Imagine what it would feel like to no longer cringe at the thought of discussing intimacy, to no longer carry that secret guilt or fear. Picture being able to enjoy physical affection without that voice in your head saying you’re “doing something wrong.” With the right help, these things are absolutely possible. You deserve to experience intimacy that is joyful and comfortable, not weighed down by old anxieties.
Therapy is not about assigning blame for what went wrong in the past – it’s about empowering you to change your future. No matter how you grew up, you can unlearn the messages that no longer serve you. You and your partner can learn to communicate in a way that brings you closer, not further apart. And you can cultivate a sex life that feels healthy and satisfying for both of you, free of unnecessary shame.
It’s Safe to Talk About It—Start Sex Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ
Ready to take the next step? The Connection Couch is here to support you on this healing journey. As an entirely online therapy practice based in Scottsdale, AZ, we offer convenient access to specialized sex therapy and EMDR for residents throughout Arizona. My approach is warm, affirming (LGBTQ+ inclusive), and tailored to your comfort level. We believe wholeheartedly that everyone is capable of growth and deserving of pleasure and connection. If you grew up avoiding conversations about sex, consider this your invitation to start a new conversation – one where you are met with understanding, compassion, and the knowledge that there is nothing shameful about seeking a better, more connected life.
Here’s how to begin:
Schedule a free consultation to talk with a Scottsdale-based sex therapist about your goals and needs.
Book your first sex therapy session and start unpacking the beliefs that no longer serve you.
Begin to feel more at ease in your body, your relationships, and your voice.
Affirming & Supportive Sex Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ and Online
At our Scottsdale practice, we offer sex therapy that’s inclusive, respectful, and grounded in compassion for both individuals and couples. Whether you're exploring personal challenges around intimacy or working to deepen connection with a partner, we provide a nonjudgmental space where you can unpack what’s important to you.
Our services also include betrayal recovery therapy for those repairing trust after relationship pain, as well as trauma-informed support for survivors of sexual trauma. Every offering is tailored to your unique journey and designed to foster safe, sustainable healing at a pace that feels right for you.
About the Author: Compassionate Sex Therapist in Scottsdale, AZ
Holly Nelson, Licensed Professional Counselor and founder of The Connection Couch, leads a Scottsdale-based practice dedicated to helping individuals and couples experience more ease and connection in their intimate lives. As she works toward full certification in sex therapy, Holly offers thoughtful, affirming care for those exploring sexual wellness, relationship dynamics, and emotional connection.
Her approach is both nurturing and evidence-informed, drawing from modalities like EMDR and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Holly supports clients in rebuilding trust with their bodies, strengthening emotional closeness, and cultivating intimacy that feels aligned and fulfilling. With a foundation in empathy and curiosity, she creates a therapeutic space where authenticity, safety, and healing can thrive.