Healing from Sexual Shame: Reclaiming Pleasure After Purity Culture With a Scottsdale Sex Therapist

Sex is supposed to be natural, fun, and—dare we say?—enjoyable, pleasurable, and empowering. But if you grew up in a religious environment that emphasized purity culture, you might feel more shame than excitement when it comes to sex. Maybe you were taught that your worth was tied to your virginity, that sexual desire was sinful, or that even thinking about sex would lead you down a dark and dangerous path.

Now, as an adult, you might find yourself struggling to embrace intimacy and pleasure. You want a healthy relationship with sex, but those old messages still whisper in your ear. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone, and there’s hope. As a sex therapist in Scottsdale, I offer sex therapy to help clients untangle painful beliefs, reconnect with their bodies, and rediscover what it means to experience sex on their own terms. Healing from sexual shame is possible, and you deserve a sex life that’s free from guilt and full of joy.

What is Purity Culture?

Purity culture is a set of beliefs, often tied to religious teachings, that promotes sexual abstinence before marriage and reinforces the idea that sexual "purity" determines a person’s moral or spiritual worth. The movement gained significant traction in the 1990s and early 2000s, encouraging young people to take virginity pledges, wear purity rings, and commit to saving themselves for their future spouses. I always think of the South Park episode where the Jonas Brothers wear purity rings and Mickey Mouse is their notorious boss. 

The core idea behind purity culture is that remaining a virgin until marriage makes a person more worthy, honorable, and valuable. This belief can create a rigid and shame-inducing framework for understanding sex, often making it difficult for people to embrace their sexuality later in life.

Purity culture doesn’t just impact people before marriage. It can continue to affect their relationships, body image, and self-esteem long after. Many people who were raised with these beliefs struggle with feelings of guilt and anxiety, even when engaging in consensual, loving sexual experiences within committed relationships.

Understanding the Impact of Purity Culture

Purity culture is a set of beliefs, often tied to religious teachings, that promotes sexual abstinence before marriage and reinforces the idea that sexual "purity" determines a person’s moral or spiritual worth. It usually comes with a healthy dose of fear and shame, particularly for women, LGBTQ+ individuals, and people with kinks and fetishes.

Common messages from purity culture include:

• "Your virginity is the most valuable thing you have to offer."

• "Sex before marriage will ruin your future relationships."

• “Sex before marriage is one step below murder.” 

• “Masturbation is a sin and will lead to an addiction.” 

• “Sex is only for having babies.” 

• "If you have sex before marriage, you’re like a chewed-up piece of gum.”

• "Women who dress ‘immodestly’ are asking for attention and tempting men to sin."

• "Marriage is only between a man and a woman."

• "Same-sex attraction is a test from God that you must resist."

• "If you pray hard enough, God will take away your same-sex desires."

• "Being LGBTQ+ is a result of trauma, bad parenting, or rebellion."

• "Your body belongs to your future spouse, not to you."

• "If you wait until marriage, you’ll automatically have an amazing sex life."

• "If you engage in same-sex relationships, you are living in sin and will face spiritual consequences."

These messages can have long-lasting effects, including:

• Anxiety or guilt about sexual thoughts and feelings

• Difficulty enjoying sex, even in safe and loving relationships

• A sense of disconnection from your own body

• Struggles with self-worth and identity

If any of this resonates with you, don’t worry—you’re not broken. You were just given a script that didn’t serve you, but now it’s time to rewrite the story.

Shame and Genitals

One of the deepest forms of sexual shame that purity culture instills is shame about one's own body, particularly the genitals. Many people struggle with discomfort, embarrassment, or even disgust toward their sexual anatomy. But why does this happen?

• Taught That Genitals Are Dirty or Sinful: From an early age, many people are told to keep their genitals covered, never touch them, and avoid any curiosity. This can create a lasting sense that genitals are something to be ashamed of.

• Lack of Education: If sex education focused only on reproduction and abstinence, you might not have learned the actual facts about anatomy and pleasure. This can lead to misinformation and unnecessary anxiety.

• Cultural Beauty Standards: Many people feel their genitals don’t "look right" because of unrealistic portrayals in media, porn, or social expectations. Shame can arise from normal variations in size, shape, or color.

• Religious and Moral Conditioning: Messages that tie worthiness to "purity" can make people feel that their genitals are a source of temptation, making it difficult to see them as normal and healthy parts of the body.

Breaking free from genital shame involves education, self-compassion, and exercises that promote acceptance, like the mirror exercise below.

Steps to Healing from Sexual Shame

1. Challenge the Old Narratives

The first step in healing is recognizing the messages you received about sex and questioning whether they still hold true. Ask yourself:

• Who taught me these beliefs?

• Do they align with my current values?

• How have they impacted my relationships and self-image?

Confronting these ideas can be uncomfortable, but questioning doesn’t mean rejecting your faith or values. It means making sure they work for you.

2. Reconnect with Your Body

Purity culture often teaches people to disconnect from their bodies—to ignore desire, suppress feelings, and prioritize “purity” over pleasure. But your body isn’t the enemy! It’s a source of joy, connection, and, yes, pleasure.

Try gentle ways of reconnecting with yourself:

• Mindful touch: Notice how different textures, temperatures, and pressures feel on your skin.

• Movement: Dance, stretch, or do yoga to celebrate your body's capabilities and tap into your sensuality in all forms.

• Breathwork: Deep breathing can help release tension and increase body awareness.

One effective way to rebuild a positive relationship with your body, particularly your sexual anatomy, is the Mirror Exercise. Here’s how you do it:

1. Find a private, comfortable space with good lighting.

2. Take a handheld mirror and gently observe your genitals. Notice their shape, color, and uniqueness.

3. As you look, try replacing any negative or judgmental thoughts with neutral or positive ones. For example, instead of "this looks weird," try "this is a part of me, and it’s beautiful in its own way." If body positivity is too much of a stretch in the beginning, try body neutrality–” I don’t have to feel love or excitement about my genitals, but I don’t have to hate or criticize them either.” 

4. Breathe deeply and remind yourself that your body is normal and worthy of care.

5. Over time, this practice can help shift feelings of shame to acceptance and appreciation.

Learning to appreciate your body on your own terms is a powerful step toward healing. My hope for you is that one day you will feel excitement and love towards your genitals for all they do and the pleasure and enjoyment they can bring. 

3. Talk About Sex—Without Shame

If you were taught that sex is a taboo topic, it might feel awkward to talk about it openly. But discussing sex in a safe and shame-free way can be incredibly healing.

Find trusted friends, a supportive partner, or a sex therapist (like me!) who can help you explore your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Books, podcasts, and workshops about sex-positivity can also be great resources. 

I love to laugh about sex with my clients because, let’s be honest, at its core, sex is a little silly, and it’s the reason why we are all here doing what we are doing right–including you reading this blog post.

4. Redefine Your Own Sexual Ethics

Instead of following a set of rules handed to you, what if you created your own guiding principles for sex and relationships? Ask yourself:

• What do I believe about sex?

• What values matter to me in my relationships?

• How do I want to feel about intimacy and pleasure?

• If god created me in his image, why would he give my body the amazing gift of pleasure if he did not want me to enjoy it?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Some people find new ways to incorporate faith into their sexual values, while others move away from religious teachings altogether. The important thing is that you get to decide what feels right for you–and research shows that people who have the best sex lives do what works for them, NOT what others or society told them how they should “do” sex.

5. Use Evidence-Based Healing Approaches

Healing from sexual shame isn't just about shifting your mindset. It can also involve therapeutic techniques designed to help you process trauma, reduce anxiety, and build a healthier relationship with sex. Some effective treatment modalities include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): A powerful trauma therapy that helps reprocess painful memories and break the connection between past experiences and present triggers.

• Emotionally Focused Couples Sex Therapy: A relationship-focused approach that helps couples navigate intimacy challenges and develop a deeper emotional and physical connection.

• Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness can help you become more present in your body and reduce intrusive thoughts about shame or guilt.

• Relaxation Skills: Techniques like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and guided imagery can help manage anxiety related to sex and intimacy.

• CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy): This approach helps you identify and change negative thought patterns around sex, replacing shame-based beliefs with healthier, more affirming perspectives.

Using these approaches, you can rewire your relationship with sex in a way that fosters confidence, pleasure, and emotional safety.

6. Explore Online Sex Therapy with a Sex Therapist in Scottsdale

If the idea of walking into a therapist’s office to talk about sex makes you break out in a nervous sweat, you’re not alone. Thankfully, online sex therapy offers a convenient, discreet, and highly effective way to work through sexual shame from the comfort of your own space.

Online therapy provides:

• Accessibility: No need to find a local specialist—connect with a qualified sex therapist regardless of where you live.

• Comfort: You can have sessions from a familiar, private setting, making it easier to open up.

• Flexibility: Online therapy allows you to schedule sessions around your busy life.

Research shows that online therapy can be just as effective as in-person sessions for addressing sexual concerns, reducing shame, and improving intimacy. If you’re hesitant about traditional therapy, virtual sessions might be the perfect way to start your healing journey.

7. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Pleasure

Pleasure isn’t a sin. It’s a natural part of being human! If shame creeps in when you start to enjoy yourself, remind yourself that pleasure is healthy and normal. Take small steps:

• Enjoy a delicious meal and savor every bite.

• Take a luxurious bath and really feel the warmth of the water.

• Let yourself fully relax during intimate moments—without guilt.

Healing isn’t about flipping a switch; it’s about taking small steps toward a more joyful and fulfilling relationship with yourself and your sexuality.

When to Seek Support from a Sex Therapist in Scottsdale

Unlearning sexual shame takes time, and it can bring up a lot of emotions. You don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can be a safe space to work through your feelings, set new intentions, and develop a healthier, shame-free relationship with sex.

If you’re struggling with:

• Persistent guilt or anxiety about sex

• Difficulty enjoying intimacy

• Trauma related to purity culture

…You might benefit from working with a sex therapist who understands these issues. And guess what? That’s exactly what I do, at the Connection Couch!

Rewrite Your Story with Sex Therapy in Scottsdale, Arizona

If you’re ready to let go of shame and embrace a sex life that feels good, because you deserve to enjoy all the pleasure your body can naturally create.  I’m here to help. At The Connection Couch, I work with individuals and couples who want to heal from the effects of purity culture and create a healthier relationship with sex and intimacy.

You deserve to feel safe, free, and confident in your own skin. If you’re ready to start your journey, let’s talk. Schedule a session today and take the first step toward healing. Here’s how to get started:

1. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to share your experience and explore how therapy can support healing from sexual shame and restrictive beliefs.

2. Begin your first sex therapy session and start unpacking the impact of purity culture and how it may be affecting your relationships and self-worth.

3. Learn tools to reconnect with your body, communicate authentically, and experience intimacy without guilt or fear.

Expanded Services Offered by a Sex Therapist in Scottsdale

As a sex therapist in Paradise Valley, I work with individuals healing from the lasting effects of purity culture and sexual shame. If you’re facing intimacy challenges in your relationship or recovering from a rupture in trust, then couples sex therapy can provide a supportive environment to grow together.

I also provide sex therapy for those processing sexual trauma, exploring their sexual identity, or wanting to develop a deeper, more satisfying relationship with their body and sexuality. Our work will move at a pace that feels safe, intentional, and centered around your personal goals.