Why Does Sex Hurt? A Simple Guide to Painful Sex. Sex therapy in scottsdale, az
Sex is supposed to feel good.
So when sex hurts, it can be confusing, scary, and lonely.
Many people quietly wonder, “Why does sex hurt for me?”
Some feel broken. Others feel embarrassed. Many stop talking about it at all.
The truth is simple and important:
👉 Painful sex is common.
👉 It is not your fault.
👉 Help is available.
This guide will explain why sex can hurt and how sex therapy and painful sex therapy can help.
What Is Painful Sex?
Painful sex means feeling pain, burning, tightness, or discomfort before, during, or after sex.
Pain may feel like:
Burning or stinging
Sharp pain
Deep pressure
Tightness or tearing
Throbbing after sex
Pain can happen:
At penetration
With deep thrusting
During touch
Even with arousal
Painful sex can affect people of all genders and ages.
Common Physical Causes of Painful Sex
Sometimes pain has a clear medical cause. These can include:
Pelvic floor muscle tension
Vaginal dryness
Hormone changes
Infections
Endometriosis
Vulvodynia
Recovery after childbirth or surgery
Seeing a medical provider is important. But here’s something many people don’t hear:
👉 Even when there is a physical cause, pain is often made worse by stress, fear, or sexual trauma.
That’s where painful sex therapy comes in.
How the Brain and Body Affect Sexual Pain
Sex happens in the body and the brain.
When the body feels unsafe, it protects itself. Muscles tighten. Breathing changes. Pain increases.
This can happen because of:
Past painful experiences
Religious trauma
Medical trauma
Anxiety or pressure
Fear of disappointing a partner
Over time, the body learns to expect pain—even before sex starts.
A trained sex therapist understands how these patterns form and how to gently change them.
Why Painful Sex Is Not “All in Your Head”
People with painful sex are often told:
“Just relax”
“Drink a glass of wine”
“Try harder”
This advice is not helpful—and it’s not accurate.
Painful sex is real.
Your body is responding for a reason.
Sex therapy does not dismiss pain. It helps explain why your body reacts this way and how to support healing.
What Is Painful Sex Therapy?
Painful sex therapy is a type of sex therapy that focuses on:
Safety instead of pressure
Understanding the pain cycle
Reducing fear and muscle tension
Rebuilding trust in the body
There is no touching in therapy. It is talk-based and education-focused.
Painful sex therapy may include:
Learning how pain works
Nervous system calming tools
Body awareness skills
Trauma-informed care
Communication support
Individual Sex Therapy for Painful Sex
Individual sex therapy is helpful when:
Pain feels personal or overwhelming
You carry shame or self-blame
Trauma may be involved
You want space to focus on your body
Individual sex therapy helps you:
Understand your pain without judgment
Learn how to calm your body
Reconnect with pleasure safely
Build confidence and choice
Healing does not require forcing your body to “push through.”
Couples Sex Therapy and Painful Sex
Painful sex affects relationships too.
Partners may feel:
Helpless
Rejected
Afraid to initiate
Unsure what makes things worse
Couples sex therapy helps partners:
Talk about pain safely
Reduce pressure around sex
Learn how to support healing
Rebuild intimacy without pain
Couples sex therapy often shifts focus away from penetration and toward connection and comfort.
How Trauma Can Play a Role
Sexual trauma, medical trauma, or repeated painful experiences can teach the body to stay on high alert.
Even if trauma happened years ago, the body may still remember.
A sex therapist trained in trauma-informed care understands how to:
Move slowly
Respect boundaries
Help the body feel safe again
Painful sex therapy does not rush healing.
What Sex Therapy for Painful Sex Is NOT
Sex therapy will not:
Force you to have sex
Ignore your pain
Tell you to “just relax”
Blame your mindset
Good sex therapy listens first.
How Long Does Healing Take?
Healing is different for everyone.
Progress often looks like:
Less fear around intimacy
Less muscle tension
Better communication
Feeling more in control
Feeling hopeful again
Pain may reduce gradually—not all at once.
You Are Not Broken
If sex hurts, it does not mean:
Your body is failing
You’re bad at sex
You’re letting your partner down
It means your body needs care, safety, and support.
Sex therapy, individual sex therapy, couples sex therapy, and painful sex therapy exist to help you heal—at your pace.
You deserve sex that feels safe.
You deserve to be believed.
And you deserve support.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone- work with a scottsdale az, sex therapist (in progress)
At The Connection Couch, I help women and vulva owners who are ready to understand their bodies and their sexual stories with compassion. Together, we can explore the fears, beliefs, and experiences that may be causing vaginismus—not with pressure or shame, but with curiosity and care.
Whether you’ve never worn a tampon, avoided talking about sex your whole life, or feel like “something is wrong” with you, I want you to know: there is nothing wrong with you.
You are not broken.
You are not dirty.
You are not alone.
Let’s work together to help you feel safe, empowered, and connected in your body.
You deserve healing, and it’s okay to ask for help.
Ready to take the next step? Here’s how to begin:
Schedule a free consultation with a Scottsdale-based sex therapist to share your concerns and goals.
Book your first sex therapy session and begin unpacking the fears, pressures, or beliefs that have made intimacy feel difficult.
Start your journey toward healing, cultivating a relationship with yourself and your partner that feels safe, empowering, and fulfilling.
Let’s gently explore what healing could look like—for your body, your pleasure, and your peace.
📍 Therapy available online across Arizona and Utah.
📧 Email: holly@theconnectioncouch.com
🎥 TikTok: @sextherapywithholly
Affirming & Supportive Sex Therapist in Scottsdale, AZ and Online
At our practice in Scottsdale, we offer sex therapy that is inclusive, compassionate, and centered on the unique needs of both individuals and couples. Whether you’re facing challenges with intimacy on your own or working to rebuild closeness in your relationship, we provide a safe, nonjudgmental environment to explore what matters most to you.
Beyond sex therapy, we also provide BDSM/kink-friendly therapy, EMDR therapy for sexual trauma & PTSD, and complex trauma, and erectile dysfunction sex therapy. Every service is carefully tailored to your goals, helping you foster healing, resilience, and deeper connection at a pace that feels right for you.
About the Author: Supportive Sex Therapist in Scottsdale, AZ
Holly Nelson, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Scottsdale, Arizona, who focuses on trauma-informed sex therapy. She is extensively trained in EMDR, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, and diverse approaches within the field of sex therapy. Holly is deeply committed to supporting both individuals and couples as they move beyond anxiety, shame, and performance pressures, cultivating relationships and sex lives grounded in safety, pleasure, and authentic connection.