Valentine’s Day, Dating, and Consent: Understanding Date Rape with a trauma Intimacy sex in scottsdale, az
Valentine’s Day is often talked about as a time for love, romance, and connection. We see flowers, candy, fancy dinners, and messages about passion everywhere we look.
But for many people, dating and Valentine’s Day can also bring up confusion, pressure, fear, or painful memories.
This is why it is so important to talk openly about consent, dating, and date rape—especially during a season that often pushes the idea that romance should lead to sex.
Understanding consent can help people stay safer, heal from past experiences, and build relationships that are based on respect instead of pressure.
Why We Need to Talk About Consent Around Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day can increase pressure in dating and relationships. Some people feel expected to:
Have sex
Move faster than they want
Please their partner
Say “yes” to avoid conflict
Go along with something that doesn’t feel right
Pressure does not equal consent.
Consent is not something that should feel confusing, forced, or expected—on Valentine’s Day or any other day.
Talking about consent openly helps reduce harm and supports survivors of sexual trauma.
What Is Consent?
Consent means freely choosing to take part in something.
Consent is:
Clear
Willing
Ongoing
Reversible
Given without pressure, fear, or manipulation
Consent is not:
Silence
Giving in
Freezing
Being drunk or high
Feeling scared to say no
Saying yes to avoid hurting someone’s feelings
Consent must be present every time, with every person, no matter the relationship.
What Is Date Rape?
Date rape is a form of sexual assault. It happens when someone is forced, pressured, or manipulated into sexual activity by someone they know or are dating.
This can include:
A first date
A casual hookup
A long-term partner
A spouse
Someone you trusted
Many people struggle to name date rape because it does not match the “stranger danger” story they were taught growing up.
But sexual assault can happen in relationships.
Common Myths About Date Rape
There are many myths that make date rape harder to recognize and talk about.
Myth 1: “It’s not rape if you know the person”
Truth: Most sexual assaults are committed by someone the survivor knows.
Myth 2: “If you went on the date, you owe them”
Truth: No one ever owes sex. Not after a date. Not after a gift. Not on Valentine’s Day.
Myth 3: “If you didn’t fight back, it doesn’t count”
Truth: Many people freeze during trauma. This is a natural survival response.
Myth 4: “If you were drinking, it’s your fault”
Truth: Being intoxicated means you cannot give consent.
These myths cause shame and silence—and prevent people from getting help.
How Date Rape Often Happens
Date rape often does not look violent or dramatic from the outside. It can happen through:
Emotional pressure
Guilt
Alcohol or drugs
Ignoring boundaries
Wearing someone down over time
Assuming consent instead of asking
Some survivors say things like:
“I didn’t know how to say no”
“I froze”
“I just wanted it to be over”
“I felt pressured”
“I didn’t want to ruin the relationship”
These experiences are real and valid.
Why People Freeze During Sexual Assault
Many survivors feel confused because their body did not fight back.
This response is called freeze.
When the brain senses danger, it may choose:
Fight
Flight
Freeze
Fawn (people-pleasing)
Freeze is common during sexual trauma. It is not a choice. It is the nervous system trying to survive.
This is often addressed in EMDR therapy and sexual trauma therapy, where the goal is to help the brain and body process what happened—without blame.
The Role of Alcohol and Dating Culture
Alcohol is often present in dating and Valentine’s Day celebrations.
Alcohol can:
Lower boundaries
Increase pressure
Reduce the ability to consent
Be used to take advantage of someone
If a person is drunk, high, or impaired, they cannot give consent.
This is an important message that many people were never clearly taught.
How Date Rape Impacts Survivors
Sexual assault can affect a person long after the event.
Survivors may experience:
Anxiety
Shame
Depression
Panic attacks
Nightmares
Discomfort with touch
Difficulty with sex
Relationship struggles
Feeling disconnected from their body
These symptoms are not signs of weakness. They are signs of trauma.
This is where sexual trauma therapy and EMDR therapy can be incredibly healing.
Healing After Date Rape
Healing looks different for everyone. There is no timeline.
Many survivors benefit from therapy that is:
Trauma-informed
Body-aware
Consent-focused
Shame-reducing
EMDR Therapy
EMDR therapy helps the brain process traumatic memories that feel “stuck.” It can reduce:
Emotional pain
Triggers
Body reactions
Shame
Fear responses
Sex Therapy
Individual sex therapy helps survivors reconnect with their body, boundaries, and pleasure—at their own pace.
Sex therapy is not about pushing sex. It is about safety, choice, and healing.
How Date Rape Affects Dating and Relationships
Survivors may struggle with:
Trust
Desire
Physical closeness
Saying no
Feeling safe during sex
Fear of disappointing a partner
This can show up even years later.
Many couples don’t realize that trauma is affecting their intimacy.
This is where couples sex and intimacy therapy can help.
Couples Sex and Intimacy Therapy After Trauma
When one partner has experienced sexual trauma, both people may feel confused or disconnected.
Couples sex and intimacy therapy helps partners:
Understand trauma responses
Reduce pressure around sex
Improve communication
Build emotional safety
Relearn consent together
Create intimacy that feels safe and mutual
This work is gentle, slow, and respectful of the survivor’s boundaries.
Consent in Long-Term Relationships
Consent is not just for first dates.
Consent matters in:
Long-term relationships
Marriage
Cohabiting partners
Ongoing sexual relationships
Being in a relationship does not mean automatic access to someone’s body.
Consent can change day to day—and that is healthy.
How to Practice Healthy Consent
Healthy consent sounds like:
“Do you want to?”
“Is this okay?”
“How does this feel?”
“We can stop anytime”
“What do you need right now?”
Consent feels:
Calm
Mutual
Pressure-free
Respectful
If something feels off, it is okay to pause or say no.
Supporting Someone Who Has Experienced Date Rape
If someone shares their experience with you:
Believe them
Listen without fixing
Avoid questioning their choices
Thank them for trusting you
Encourage support, not silence
You don’t need the perfect words. You just need compassion.
Valentine’s Day Can Be a Trigger for Survivors
Valentine’s Day can bring up:
Memories of pressure
Past assaults
Body shame
Fear of expectations
Relationship stress
If Valentine’s Day feels hard, you are not broken.
It is okay to:
Skip it
Redefine it
Set boundaries
Focus on self-care
Ask for support
Therapy Is Support, Not Failure
Seeking help does not mean something is wrong with you.
Individual sex therapy, EMDR therapy, couples sex and intimacy therapy, and sexual trauma therapy exist because healing is possible.
You deserve:
Safety
Choice
Respect
Pleasure without fear
Relationships without pressure
Final Thoughts
Date rape is real. Consent matters. Pressure is not love.
This Valentine’s Day, the most loving thing we can do is:
Talk honestly about consent
Believe survivors
Reduce shame
Create safer dating culture
Support healing
If this topic brings up feelings or memories, you are not alone—and help is available.
Healing is not about forgetting.
It is about reclaiming choice, safety, and connection. 💛
Support available for sexual trauma in scottsdale, az
If you or someone you love is struggling with the effects of sexual trauma, you don’t have to face it alone. Working with a sex therapist who specializes in sexual trauma therapy and EMDR therapy for PTSD can help you begin to heal and rebuild connection.
EMDR therapy and trauma-informed care offer a path toward peace, confidence, and pleasure again. At The Connection Couch, we offer trauma-informed therapy, including EMDR, R-TEP, and EMDR Intensives, to help survivors reclaim their bodies, rebuild trust, and move toward joy again.
As you take steps toward healing, remember that you are not alone and healing is possible. You are entitled to safety and all the pleasure your body can experience. Follow these steps to start your journey toward reclaiming safety, pleasure, and connection within your body:
Arrange your first sex therapy appointment and get started
Discover how sex therapy can help you heal from sexual trauma at your own pace.
Additionally, I work with painful sex, performance anxiety, individual sex therapy, BDSM/kink, and couples sex therapy.
Reach out to Holly Nelson at holly@theconnectioncouch.com
Follow along on TikTok for trauma-informed education: @sextherapywithholly
Beyond Scottsdale, I also serve Paradise Valley, Phoenix, Tucson, Queen Creek, Gilbert, Salt Lake City, Park City, and Alpine, Utah.
About the Author
Holly Nelson, LPC, NCC, EMDR Certified, and AASECT Sex Therapist (in training), is the founder of The Connection Couch in Scottsdale, Arizona. Holly has dedicated her career to helping survivors of sexual trauma heal through EMDR and sex therapy. With a warm, compassionate, and sex positive approach, she empowers clients to reclaim intimacy, rebuild trust, and experience authentic connection.
Holly has been featured in major publications such as HuffPost, Stylist’s Strong Women, Well Beings News, and VoyagePhoenix. Through her practice, The Connection Couch, Holly offers compassionate, trauma-informed care that empowers clients to embrace their sexuality with confidence and ease.