How Do I Know If I Was Sexually Assaulted or Not? Understanding Sexual Violence with a Scottsdale EMDR Certified Sexual wellness Therapist
Content warning: This page contains information about sexual violence and may be triggering if you have recently experienced sexual assault of any kind.
If you have stumbled upon this page, I commend you for your bravery in seeking answers and support. You deserve clarity about what happened to you. You deserve to be free from the shame, guilt, and confusion you may carry about what you experienced; it may have occurred on multiple occasions. This post is for anyone who is struggling to understand an uncomfortable, negative, or terrifying sexual experience they endured and what they can do about it moving forward.
Rape Culture
We live in an environment in which sexual violence is prevalent, normalized, and excused in the media. Rape culture blames and shames the victims and fails to hold the perpetrator accountable. Those who speak out about their experiences with sexual violence are second-guessed, discredited, harassed, gaslit, insulted, and bullied. Just take a glance at some famous sexual violence cases, such as Bill Cosby, requiring over sixty victims to come forward to even obtain a conviction. And then he would go free after only completing three years of a ten-year sentence. Popstar Kesha’s music career disintegrated after she spoke out against Dr. Luke for drugging and raping her. It’s no wonder sexual assault survivors are fearful to reach out for support.
Differences Between Rape and Sexual Assault?
People are often confused about whether they were raped or sexually assaulted. Both are serious crimes that involve non-consensual sexual acts. Sexual assault is a broad term that includes a range of unwanted sexual behaviors and actions. It encompasses any non-consensual sexual contact or activity, including groping, fondling, and forced kissing. Sexual assault can include instances where someone is forced or coerced into performing or receiving sexual acts.
Rape is a more specific term that refers to non-consensual sexual intercourse or penetration. It typically involves vaginal, anal, or oral penetration, whether with a body part or an object, and is committed without the victim’s consent or when the victim is unable to give consent due to age, incapacitation, or coercion. Both can have severe psychological impacts on a person, and both are sexual abuse.
What is Consent?
Consent is about making sure everyone’s comfort and safety are the top priority, and is necessary to have a positive sexual experience. Planned Parenthood has the FRIES model (freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific). This means you know precisely what you agree to and can change your mind at any time. For example, incidents where the perpetrator lied about putting a condom on would be considered rape, as you had agreed upon something entirely different when first embarking on the sexual experience. Consent cannot be given under any pretense of force or intimidation. If it isn’t safe to say no, then saying yes becomes meaningless, known as coercion.
Common Myths about sexual violence
Myth: Most sexual assaults occur in dark alleyways and isolated areas with a stranger hiding in the bushes waiting to ambush their victim.
Truth: What we have all been led to believe is true about sexual violence is inaccurate. Most sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows, such as a neighbor, friend, classmate, co-worker, spouse, partner, or ex-partner. Most sexual assaults and rape occur in common places typically thought of as safe, such as a person's home, a friend’s home, an office, or a car.
Myth: Victims ask for it by being “seductive or careless.
Truth: You are not responsible for the offender's behavior. You did not fail to prevent it because you did not struggle hard enough with the offender. Freeze and fawn (people-pleasing to ensure no further harm is done) are normal responses to trauma.
Myth: If you were sexually assaulted while drunk or high, it’s your fault.
Truth: Being intoxicated does not make you responsible for someone else violating your boundaries. In fact, a person cannot legally give consent when incapacitated. The fault lies entirely with the perpetrator.
Myth: Women “cry” rape.
Truth: FBI crime statistics indicate that between 2% and 10% of reported rapes are false. This is the same rate of false reporting as any other major crime.
Myth: If you didn’t say “no,” it doesn’t count as sexual assault.
Truth: Silence is not consent. Many survivors freeze, dissociate, or become compliant out of fear. Consent must be clearly and freely given, not assumed because someone didn’t resist or speak.
Myth: You can’t be raped by someone you’re in a relationship with.
Truth: Rape and sexual assault can absolutely occur within relationships, marriages, or partnerships. Being in a relationship does not equal ongoing sexual access. Consent must be obtained every time.
Myth: If you went back to their house, you were asking for it.
Truth: Agreeing to hang out, go on a date, or even kiss someone is not the same thing as consenting to sex. No one owes sex, and consent can be withdrawn at any time.
Myth: Sexual arousal, including climax and ejaculation during sexual assault, means the survivor wanted it or enjoyed it.
Truth: Arousal non-concordance is when the physiological sex response and desire for sex are not connected. In simpler terms, your sex organs are programmed to respond to sexual stimuli, so sometimes our bodies can react differently than our brains.
Myth: Men cannot be sexually assaulted, and women cannot be the perpetrators.
Truth: Men can be sexually assaulted regardless of appearance, strength, and sexual orientation. Although the majority of offenders are male, all genders can be victims and perpetrators of sexual violence.
Myth: Sex workers can’t be sexually assaulted.
Truth: Sex workers are particularly vulnerable to sexual violence. Sex workers have the right to give and withhold consent for any reason and can be raped. Sex workers are human beings who deserve bodily safety and respect regardless of anyone’s beliefs about their profession.
Myth: If you didn’t report it right away, it must not have been that bad.
Truth: There are many valid reasons survivors don’t come forward right away—shock, shame, fear of retaliation, or simply needing time to understand what happened. Delayed reporting does not mean it wasn’t real.
Myth: If you didn’t go to the hospital or have a rape kit done, you can’t prove anything happened.
Truth: While forensic exams can help in legal cases, many survivors never undergo one, and that doesn’t make their experience less real or valid. Your healing is not dependent on having "proof."
Steps to take after surviving sexual violence
As you embark upon your healing journey, let safety be your number one priority after experiencing sexual trauma. Use any coping mechanism that helps you feel a little bit safer in your body, such as talking to a trusted friend or a loved one, taking a hot bath, or lying under blankets listening to songs you love. If you are supporting someone who has just gone through a traumatic sexual experience, try to refrain from pressing them for details about what happened. Your presence, to simply be someone they know they can trust and who will support them in whatever they decide to do, is invaluable and will be deeply appreciated for years to come.
After a sexual assault, you may want to seek medical attention to treat any possible injuries and test for unwanted pregnancy and STIs. Try not to shower, change clothes, or eat/drink if you might want to preserve evidence, but your comfort comes first. If you do not have health insurance, there are victim compensation programs that can help cover some of the expenses. Victim compensation funds typically require you to report the crime to law enforcement within 72 hours to be eligible.
Online EMDR sexual trauma Therapy in scottsdale, az
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a powerful, evidence-based therapy designed to help your brain reprocess traumatic memories so they no longer feel as raw, overwhelming, or defining. It’s especially effective for sexual trauma and post-assault symptoms like anxiety, hypervigilance, flashbacks, nightmares, or body-based distress.
If you’ve experienced sexual violence, EMDR can help you:
Feel safer in your body and surroundings
Release stuck shame and self-blame
Reduce emotional and physical reactivity
Reclaim your sense of power and control
Begin to feel like “yourself” again
Online EMDR is just as effective as in-person EMDR when delivered by a trained therapist. Whether you're curled up on your couch or in your parked car for privacy, online sessions make trauma treatment more accessible, especially if you're not ready to physically return to therapy offices.
For those who prefer a more focused approach, EMDR Intensives are a great option. Rather than attending weekly sessions, intensives allow you to complete several hours of EMDR over 1–3 days in a structured and supportive format. Intensives can help jumpstart healing and reduce symptoms more quickly, and they are often used after recent traumatic events or when life demands make weekly therapy difficult.
If your experience of sexual violence was recent, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in using EMDR to treat trauma and is trained in the R-TEP (recent traumatic event protocol). R-TEP allows for early intervention, which can get you relief early on and help prevent the development of more chronic symptoms of PTSD.
How Sensate Focus Can Help You Reconnect With Your Body After Sexual Trauma in scottsdale, az
When you’ve experienced sexual violence, reconnecting with your body and reclaiming your sexuality can feel scary, confusing, or even impossible. Many survivors share that touch feels triggering, sexual arousal feels unsafe, or they no longer know how to enjoy pleasure without fear or shame. That’s where sensate focus can be a powerful, healing tool.
Sensate focus is a gentle, trauma-informed exercise used in sex therapy to help you (and, if applicable, your partner) rebuild physical and emotional connection, without pressure, performance, or goals. It shifts the focus away from “doing it right” or being sexual, and instead invites you to be curious about sensation, comfort, and consent in the present moment.
You don’t have to dive into anything sexual before you’re ready. Sensate focus meets you exactly where you are. Whether you’re partnered or exploring this solo, working with a sex therapist trained in trauma and EMDR can help you move through the stuckness of fear, numbness, or shame and toward a version of intimacy that feels safe and nourishing for you.
You are not alone
I want you to know that what happened to you was not your fault, and I believe you. You did not need to wear longer shorts, cover up your stomach, drink less alcohol, or argue and fight back to prevent sexual violence from occurring. The sexual assault happened because the perpetrator decided to do it. Sexual assault is about power, control, and entitlement. The shame and guilt are the perpetrators' to carry, not yours. You did exactly what you needed to do during that experience to survive and get out alive—sending love and healing your way!
Ready to Start Healing?
If you're looking for support from someone who understands how trauma impacts the body, mind, and intimacy, you're in the right place. At The Connection Couch, we offer trauma-informed therapy, including EMDR, R-TEP, and EMDR Intensives, to help survivors reclaim their bodies, rebuild trust, and move toward joy again.
As you take steps toward healing, remember that you are not alone and healing is possible. You are entitled to safety and all the pleasure your body can experience. At The Connection Couch, we are qualified to support you every step of the way. Follow these steps to start your journey toward reclaiming safety, pleasure, and connection within your body:
Arrange your first sex therapy appointment and get started
Discover how sex therapy can help you heal from sexual trauma at your own pace.
Reach out to Holly Nelson at holly@theconnectioncouch.com
Follow along on TikTok for trauma-informed education: @sextherapywithholly
About the Author: Compassionate Sex Therapist in Scottsdale, AZ
Holly Nelson, LPC, is the founder of The Connection Couch, a Scottsdale-based therapy practice devoted to helping individuals and couples create fulfilling, shame-free intimate lives. Currently completing her sex therapy certification, Holly brings a deep commitment to healing through emotional connection and authenticity.
Sources:
Gay, R. (Ed). (2018). Not that bad: Dispatches from rape culture. Harper Perennial.
Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster.
Planned Parenthood. (2024). What Is Sexual Consent plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent
RAINN. (2024). Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics. rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence
Richmond, H. (2021). Reclaiming pleasure: A sex-positive guide for moving past sexual trauma and living a passionate life. New Harbinger Publications.
expert Resources from a scottsdale, az sex therapist (in progress):
Arizona Attorney General’s Office of Victim Services: 642-542-4911
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
Phoenix Family Advocacy Center:
https://www.phoenix.gov/administration/departments/humanservices/programs-services/victims.html