Helping Your Partner Feel Safe: Reconnecting Intimately After Sexual Trauma
A Trauma-Informed Scottsdale, AZ Sex Therapist Weighs In
When someone you love has been through sexual trauma, it can feel heartbreaking. You might feel deep sadness that they went through something so terrible. You want to be close to them, to hold them and reassure them. But you also don’t want to pressure them or make them feel unsafe.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably the kind of partner who cares deeply. You want to do this right. But you might be thinking:
I don’t want to push them or make them feel worse.
I don’t know what to say.
How can I help them feel safe with me?
As a trauma-informed sex therapist in Scottsdale, Arizona, I work with couples facing these very questions. With insights we utilize in sexual trauma therapy, I want to share some gentle guidance on supporting your partner, reconnecting with them, and helping them feel safe again.
1. Understand That Trauma Changes How Safety Feels
After sexual trauma, your partner’s brain and body can stay in “alert” mode. Even if they trust you, certain touches, words, or situations can suddenly feel unsafe or overwhelming.
They might avoid sex. They might flinch at touch. Or they might seem distant even though they love you.
It’s not about you doing something wrong. It’s about their nervous system trying to protect them.
If you can remember that, you’ll be better prepared to respond with compassion instead of taking it personally.
2. Ask, Don’t Assume
You want to help. That’s wonderful. But don’t assume you know what they need.
Try saying:
“How can I support you right now?”
“What feels safe or comforting for you?”
“If you want to talk, I’m here. If not, that’s okay too.”
Asking gives them a choice. Choice is essential for healing because trauma takes choice away.
3. Respect Their Boundaries—Even When It’s Hard
It’s normal to want to be physically close. You might miss cuddling, kissing, or sex. But if your partner says “not right now,” try to hear that as them taking care of themselves, not rejecting you.
Respecting boundaries shows you’re safe. It also builds trust over time.
If they can say “no” freely, they’re more likely to feel safe enough to say “yes” when they’re ready.
4. Offer Comfort Without Pressure
Sometimes your partner doesn’t want sex but still wants closeness. You might try:
Holding hands.
Sitting side by side.
Hugging if they want it.
Watching a show together.
Talking about anything and everything—or nothing at all.
Intimacy isn’t just sex. It’s about feeling connected and safe. These small gestures remind them you’re there for them without expecting anything in return.
5. Be Patient with Yourself, Too
You might feel helpless or frustrated at times. That’s okay. Supporting someone you love through trauma can be hard.
You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have all the answers.
What matters most is showing up with kindness and a willingness to listen.
If you’re struggling, consider seeking your own support. Sexual trauma therapy isn’t just for survivors; it can help partners understand their own feelings and learn how to be supportive without burning out.
6. Consider Professional Support
Sexual trauma affects couples, not just individuals. Many partners tell me:
“We want to be close again, but don’t know how.”
“We’re afraid of making things worse.”
“We just want to feel like a team.”
Trauma-informed sex therapy offers a safe space to talk about these challenges, learn new ways to connect, and rebuild intimacy at your own pace.
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
7. How Trauma-Informed Sex Therapy Can Help You Reconnect
If you and your partner feel stuck or unsure about how to move forward, know that there is help available. In my work with couples, I use trauma-informed sex therapy to gently guide you back to connection, safety, and intimacy at your own pace.
Here’s how these methods can help:
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): This therapy helps survivors process traumatic memories so they no longer feel as distressing or triggering. By reducing the emotional pain attached to the past, EMDR can make it easier for partners to feel safe in the present, opening the door to trust and closeness.
Sensate Focus: This is a series of gentle, non-demand exercises that help couples explore touch without pressure for performance or sex. It builds safety and pleasure step by step, allowing partners to rediscover intimacy in a slow, mindful way. Sensate focus can reduce anxiety and help both of you enjoy connection again.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT): This approach helps you understand and share the emotions underneath your reactions. It supports you both in recognizing patterns that keep you disconnected and guides you toward creating a safe, secure bond. You’ll learn to discuss needs and fears in a way that brings you closer together instead of pushing you apart.
Trauma-informed sex therapy combines these approaches to help you rebuild trust, create a sense of safety, and rediscover physical and emotional closeness. Therapy doesn’t rush you. At The Connection Couch, we meet you where you are and help you move forward with care and consideration.
Reconnect and Heal with Sex Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ
At The Connection Couch in Scottsdale, Arizona, I specialize in helping couples navigate sexual trauma with compassion and care. Whether you’re looking to rebuild trust, improve communication, or feel safe and connected again, I’m here to help.
If you’re ready to take the next step, reach out today. Let’s talk about how we can support your relationship on the path to healing.
Here’s how to start:
Schedule a free consultation with a Scottsdale-based therapist to discuss your goals and concerns.
Book your first session in sexual trauma therapy and begin learning strategies that nurture safety and connection.
Take steps toward rebuilding intimacy and trust with the guidance of compassionate, specialized care.
Email: holly@theconnectioncouch.com
TikTok: @sextherapywithholly
Inclusive & Compassionate Sex Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ and Online
At our Scottsdale-based practice, we provide sex therapy that is affirming, respectful, and rooted in genuine care for both individuals and couples. Whether you’re navigating personal struggles with intimacy or seeking to strengthen your relationship, we offer a supportive space to explore your needs without judgment.
In addition to sex therapy, we also specialize in betrayal recovery counseling for couples healing from broken trust, as well as trauma-informed care for survivors of sexual trauma. Each service is personalized to your experiences and focused on creating safety, resilience, and meaningful growth at a pace that honors your journey.
About the Author: Sexual Trauma Therapist in Scottsdale, AZ
Holly Nelson is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Scottsdale, Arizona, specializing in trauma-informed sex therapy. With training in EMDR, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, and a wide variety of sex therapy practices. Holly is passionate about helping individuals and couples create sex lives free from anxiety, shame, and pressure—so they can truly enjoy connection, pleasure, and intimacy.