How to Talk About Painful Sex With Your Partner Before the Holidays. Tips from a sex therapist (in progress) in scottsdale, az
The holiday season can be a special time for many couples. There are warm lights, family events, cozy nights, and moments that help you feel close to the people you love. But for some people, the holidays also bring stress around intimacy—especially if sex has been painful.
Talking about painful sex can feel scary or embarrassing. You may worry about hurting your partner’s feelings or not knowing the right words to say. You may even hope the problem will “fix itself,” but most of the time, it gets harder to talk about the longer you wait.
This is why having the conversation before the holiday rush is so important. When you and your partner can talk openly about what hurts, you can feel more connected, supported, and safe.
In this blog, we’ll explore why painful sex happens, how to talk about it kindly, and how couples sex and intimacy therapy can help you rebuild confidence and closeness—both emotionally and physically.
Why Painful Sex Happens
Painful sex is more common than most people think. Many women, men, and non-binary people experience pain during intimacy at some point in their lives. Pain can come from:
Pelvic floor tension
Stress or anxiety
Not enough lubrication
Hormone changes
Trauma or past negative experiences
Medical conditions
Relationship stress
Fear of disappointing your partner
Pain is not your fault. Pain is not something you “should” push through. Pain is your body’s way of saying it needs care, attention, and support.
A sex therapist or specialist in sexual wellness therapy can help you understand the physical and emotional parts of painful sex so you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Why the Holidays Make This Conversation Important
The holidays bring pressure—pressure to be cheerful, pressure to be close, and pressure to be intimate. This can feel overwhelming if sex has been painful.
Talking about it early helps because:
You won’t feel pressured during holiday events
You and your partner can make a plan together
You can avoid misunderstandings or hurt feelings
You can both focus on connection, not expectations
Stress will feel lighter when you’re honest with each other
You deserve a holiday season filled with comfort, not fear or pressure.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Painful Sex
Talking about painful sex is much easier when you feel calm, safe, and supported. Here are gentle steps to help you start the conversation.
1. Pick the Right Time
Don’t bring it up during or right after a sexual moment. Choose a calm time when both of you can focus and feel relaxed—like after dinner, during a walk, or on a quiet weekend morning.
You can say something simple like:
“Can we talk about something important to me?”
“I want to share something with you, and I hope we can talk about it kindly.”
2. Start With Honesty, Not Blame
Use “I” statements to share your experience without blaming your partner.
Try:
“I’ve been feeling some pain during sex, and I want to talk about it with you.”
“I’m not upset with you. I just want us to understand what’s going on.”
This helps your partner feel safe instead of defensive.
3. Explain What You’re Feeling
You don’t need medical terms. You can simply describe sensations like:
Burning
Sharp pain
Pressure
Tightness
Fear
Anxiety
Being honest helps your partner understand your experience.
4. Talk About Your Emotions Too
Pain can bring many feelings. You may feel worried, sad, embarrassed, confused, or stressed.
You might say:
“I feel scared of disappointing you.”
“I feel worried that you’ll think something is wrong with me.”
“I feel sad because intimacy is important to me.”
Feelings help partners understand the bigger picture.
5. Let Your Partner Know What You Need
Tell your partner how they can support you, such as:
Slowing down
Using more lubrication
Trying a different position
Pausing if it hurts
Taking breaks
Being patient
Adding more non-sexual touch
You can also say:
“I need us to go slow.”
“I need you to check in with me.”
“I need us to try new things when I’m ready.”
6. Talk About Seeing a Professional Together
You don’t have to face painful sex alone. A sex therapist, pelvic floor physical therapist, or medical provider can help.
Many couples meet with a therapist together to learn:
What causes pain
How stress affects the body
New ways to communicate
Ways to increase comfort and desire
How to stay emotionally connected
There is nothing wrong with getting help. It’s a strong and loving choice.
How Couples Sex and Intimacy Therapy Helps
Couples sex and intimacy therapy is a special kind of counseling that helps couples talk openly about intimacy, desire, and sexual challenges.
It helps you:
Build safety and trust
Strengthen emotional closeness
Reduce shame or fear
Learn new ways to connect
Understand each other’s needs
Explore desire differences
Work as a team instead of feeling alone
Painful sex can create distance in a relationship. Couples therapy helps bring you back together.
The Benefits of Online Couples sex and intimacy Therapy in scottsdale, az
Talking about painful sex in person can feel scary for some people. That’s why online couples therapy is such a supportive option.
Online therapy helps you:
Talk from the comfort of your home
Reduce stress about going to an office
Feel safer when discussing personal topics
Stay connected even during travel
Schedule sessions more easily
Get support during busy holiday weeks
Many couples find that they open up more in online sessions because they feel relaxed in familiar surroundings.
Online therapy is just as effective as in-person therapy, especially when talking about emotional and intimate topics.
You Deserve a Holiday Season Filled With Comfort and Connection
Painful sex is not something you need to hide or ignore. Talking about it with your partner can help you feel more supported, more understood, and more connected.
In addition to couples sex and intimacy therapy, I also work with individual sex therapy, painful sex, erectile dysfunction, sexual trauma therapy, and BDSM/kink-friendly therapy.
You deserve a holiday season filled with warmth—not worry.
Ready to take the next step? Here’s how to begin:
Schedule a free consultation with a Scottsdale-based sex therapist to share your concerns and goals.
Book your first sex therapy session and begin unpacking the fears, pressures, or beliefs that have made intimacy feel difficult.
Start your journey toward healing, cultivating a relationship with yourself and your partner that feels safe, empowering, and fulfilling.
Let’s gently explore what healing could look like—for your body, your pleasure, and your peace.
📍 Therapy available online across Arizona and Utah.
📧 Email: holly@theconnectioncouch.com
🎥 TikTok: @sextherapywithholly
Affirming & Supportive Sex Therapist in Scottsdale, AZ and Online
At our practice in Scottsdale, we offer sex therapy that is inclusive, compassionate, and centered on the unique needs of both individuals and couples. Whether you’re facing challenges with intimacy on your own or working to rebuild closeness in your relationship, we provide a safe, nonjudgmental environment to explore what matters most to you.
Beyond sex therapy, we also provide BDSM/kink-friendly therapy, EMDR therapy for sexual trauma & PTSD, and complex trauma, and erectile dysfunction sex therapy. Every service is carefully tailored to your goals, helping you foster healing, resilience, and deeper connection at a pace that feels right for you.
About the Author: Supportive Sex Therapist in Scottsdale, AZ
Holly has been featured in major publications such as HuffPost, Stylist’s Strong Women, Well Beings News, and VoyagePhoenix. Through her practice, The Connection Couch, Holly offers compassionate, trauma-informed care that empowers clients to embrace their sexuality with confidence and ease.