How to Talk About Your Sexual Desires With Your Partner, Without Shame—A Guide from a Sex Therapist (in progress) In Scottsdale, AZ
Talking about sex can be one of the most vulnerable — and rewarding — conversations you’ll ever have with your partner. Yet, for many people, the thought of expressing their sexual desires brings up embarrassment, fear of rejection, or even shame. These feelings are especially common for those who grew up with rigid messages about what’s “normal” or “acceptable” when it comes to sex.
As a sex therapist in Scottsdale, AZ, I often work with individuals and couples who long to connect more deeply but feel stuck when it comes to communicating their sexual needs. The good news? These conversations can become empowering and intimate experiences once you learn to approach them with curiosity and compassion.
Why Talking About Sexual Desires Matters
Open communication about sexual desires is essential for long-term sexual wellness and relationship satisfaction. Many couples who seek sex therapy as an individual or for their relationship are not struggling because of a lack of attraction — but because they’re unsure how to express what they need in a way that feels safe and non-judgmental.
When you share your desires honestly, you create space for:
Greater intimacy: You feel emotionally and physically seen by your partner.
Less anxiety: You stop overthinking what your partner might want and start focusing on mutual pleasure.
More exploration: Curiosity replaces shame, opening the door to new forms of connection and play.
In therapy, I remind clients that sexual communication is a skill — one that can be learned and refined just like any other.
Step One: Identify What You Really Want
Before starting the conversation, take time to reflect on your desires. Ask yourself:
What turns me on or brings me pleasure?
What feels missing from my current sexual experience?
What do I want to try, but feel nervous saying out loud?
Writing your thoughts in a journal or exploring them in therapy for sexual shame can help clarify what feels authentic for you. Many people realize they’ve internalized shame from past experiences — whether from religion, family messaging, or societal expectations — that has silenced their sexual expression.
Acknowledging that shame is the first step to releasing it.
Step Two: Choose the Right Time and Tone
Avoid having this conversation in the middle of sex or during an argument. Instead, pick a calm, private moment when you both feel connected.
You might begin by saying something like:
“There’s something I’ve been wanting to share with you because I trust you and care about our intimacy.”
Approach the discussion with curiosity rather than criticism. Instead of saying, “You never do this,” try, “I’ve been thinking about how much I enjoy when we do ___ — I’d love to explore that more together.”
This shifts the focus from blame to collaboration — you’re inviting your partner into a shared experience rather than making demands.
Step Three: Normalize Differences
It’s important to remember that everyone has unique turn-ons, fantasies, and comfort levels. Having different desires doesn’t mean you’re incompatible — it simply means you’re two distinct people with distinct bodies and experiences.
Part of sex therapy for couples is helping partners navigate these differences with empathy. The goal isn’t to agree on everything but to listen without judgment and find overlapping zones of pleasure and curiosity.
Step Four: Use Curiosity to Stay Connected
Curiosity is the antidote to shame. When one partner shares a desire, the other can respond with open-ended questions like:
“What about that excites you?”
“How can we explore that together safely?”
“What would make that experience feel good for you?”
These questions deepen understanding and prevent defensiveness. When both partners feel heard, intimacy flourishes naturally.
How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Helps Couples Communicate Better
Even couples who love each other deeply can find these conversations difficult. That’s where Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help. EFT is an evidence-based approach that helps partners identify and transform negative communication patterns — like withdrawal, defensiveness, or blame — into moments of connection and understanding.
In EFT sessions, couples learn how to:
Recognize the emotional needs underneath their arguments
Express vulnerability instead of anger or avoidance
Create safety for honest communication
Rebuild trust and intimacy after conflict or disconnection
For many of my clients, EFT becomes the turning point that allows them to talk about sex without shame. Once emotional safety is established, sexual conversations shift from tense to tender. Partners begin to hear each other’s needs — not as criticism, but as invitations to closeness.
Combining EFT and sex therapy can be incredibly powerful. It strengthens both the emotional and physical bonds that make relationships thrive.
The Role of Sex Therapy in Building Sexual Wellness in scottsdale, az
Sex therapy for men and sex therapy for women often begins with these very conversations — unpacking how past conditioning, trauma, or relationship dynamics influence desire. Through guided exercises, communication tools, and sometimes EMDR, clients learn how to:
Express their needs clearly
Navigate mismatched libidos
Heal from sexual pain or performance anxiety
Cultivate pleasure without guilt
Navigate fantasy discrepancies in kink/BDSM
Ultimately, sex therapy isn’t just about sex — it’s about creating a relationship where vulnerability, trust, and joy can thrive.
Reconnect and Heal with Sex Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ
If you’re ready to have more open, shame-free conversations about your sexual desires, The Connection Couch can help. As a Scottsdale-based sex therapist offering both in-person and online therapy for sexual shame, I provide a supportive, trauma-informed space to help you reconnect with pleasure, confidence, and intimacy.
I specialize in helping couples navigate conversations about sexual fantasies and desires with compassion and care. Whether you’re looking to rebuild trust, improve communication, or create a thriving, vibrant sex life, or feel more deeply connected, I’m here to help.
If you’re ready to take the next step, reach out today. Let’s talk about how we can support your relationship on the path to healing.
Here’s how to start:
Schedule a free consultation with a Scottsdale-based therapist to discuss your goals and concerns.
Book your first couples sex therapy session and begin learning strategies that nurture safety and connection.
Take steps toward rebuilding intimacy and trust with the guidance of compassionate, specialized care.
Email: holly@theconnectioncouch.com
TikTok: @sextherapywithholly
About the Author
Holly Nelson is a licensed professional counselor and sex therapist (in progress) in Scottsdale, AZ. She is passionate about helping individuals and couples create intimacy that feels safe, joyful, and connected. Through EMDR, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and practical strategies, she helps clients move past fear and shame so they can fully enjoy pleasure and connection. Holly has also been featured in major publications such as HuffPost, Stylist’s Strong Women, Well Beings News, and VoyagePhoenix.
Beyond Scottsdale, I also serve Paradise Valley, Phoenix, Tucson, Queen Creek, Gilbert, Salt Lake City, Park City, and Alpine, Utah.