When One Partner Wants Sex More: How Sex Therapy Helps Balance Desire with a Scottsdale, AZ Sex Therapist
It’s common for couples to experience a difference in how often they want sex. One partner may feel frustrated or rejected, while the other feels pressured or guilty. This difference—often called a desire discrepancy—can cause tension, shame, and even emotional distance. The good news is that this issue is both normal and treatable with couples sex therapy.
In my work as a sex therapist in Scottsdale, AZ, I help partners rebuild connection, understand their unique sexual rhythms, and rediscover intimacy that feels natural and mutual.
Understanding Desire Differences
Desire differences can show up in many ways. Sometimes, one partner simply has a higher natural sex drive. Other times, life stress, sexual trauma, PTSD, parenting, or health issues can lower desire. Medications, hormone changes, and emotional disconnection all play a role, too.
When this mismatch goes unspoken, couples can start to misinterpret each other’s behavior. The partner who wants sex more may think, “My partner doesn’t find me attractive anymore.” The partner who wants it less might think, “Something is wrong with me.”
But neither assumption is usually true. Desire is complex—it’s influenced by physical, emotional, and relational factors. Sexual wellness therapy helps uncover those layers so couples can move from frustration to understanding.
How Couples Sex Therapy Helps
Couples sex therapy provides a space to talk openly about desire without blame. In session, we explore what intimacy means for each partner and how emotions, body image, and stress affect the sexual relationship.
Rather than focusing only on how often sex happens, we look at what sex represents—love, validation, play, stress relief, or connection. This deeper understanding allows both partners to feel seen and valued, even if their sexual needs differ.
Some of the goals in sex therapy may include:
Improving emotional communication about needs and boundaries
Reducing performance anxiety or sexual shame
Reconnecting through sensual touch, mindfulness, or new forms of intimacy
Identifying any trauma, medical concerns, or relational patterns that affect desire
By addressing both emotional and physical aspects, couples learn that intimacy isn’t just about frequency—it’s about connection.
What Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Teaches About Desire
A big part of my approach involves Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), an evidence-based method that helps couples understand the emotions driving their patterns.
When one partner withdraws and the other pursues, both are acting from a place of unmet emotional need. The higher-desire partner might reach for sex as a way to feel close, while the lower-desire partner might pull away to protect themselves from pressure. This creates a cycle of disconnection that feeds on itself.
Through EFT, we slow this pattern down. Partners learn to express what’s really happening beneath the surface—feelings of rejection, fear, longing, or overwhelm. Once couples can talk about those emotions safely, the pressure around sex often eases.
It’s not uncommon to see desire start to balance naturally when emotional intimacy grows. When partners feel emotionally secure, sex becomes an expression of closeness rather than a source of stress.
Why Desire Isn’t Just About Hormones or “High vs. Low Drive”
Many people think mismatched desire is about hormones or libido labels like “high-drive” and “low-drive.” But it’s rarely that simple.
Desire is responsive—it can be influenced by safety, novelty, confidence, and emotional connection. Stress, resentment, and shame shut down the body’s natural arousal system. This is why sexual wellness therapy focuses on the whole person, not just the sexual act.
In therapy, couples might explore:
How past experiences or cultural messages shape sexual expectations
The role of stress, body image, or parenthood on desire
How to create eroticism outside of traditional sex
Learning to see sex as an evolving part of the relationship—rather than a performance to perfect—creates room for curiosity and pleasure again.
The Benefits of Online Sex Therapy
Many couples prefer online therapy because it fits easily into their busy lives. Virtual sessions allow partners to meet from the comfort of their home, which can actually make it easier to talk about vulnerable topics.
Online sex therapy uses the same research-backed methods as in-person sessions. Through secure video calls, we explore emotions, patterns, and exercises designed to build connection and confidence. For couples navigating parenting, work schedules, or long-distance relationships, online therapy removes barriers that often keep people from getting the help they need.
Tips for Balancing Desire at Home
While therapy offers deep insight, there are also small ways to start shifting the dynamic now:
Talk about intimacy outside the bedroom. Make space to share what sex means to each of you without judgment.
Reduce pressure. Avoid scheduling sex as an obligation—try planning time for closeness, play, or sensual touch instead.
Focus on emotional safety. Desire grows where both partners feel accepted and understood.
Explore new forms of connection. Kissing, massage, or shared fantasies can spark novelty and closeness without performance stress.
Seek professional support. If conversations turn into arguments or avoidance, that’s a signal it’s time for guidance from a trained sex therapist.
Remember, differences in desire are not a sign of failure. They are an invitation to understand yourself and your partner on a deeper level.
How to Book Your First Session
If you’re tired of fighting about your sex life, now is the time to act. At The Connection Couch, I provide sex therapy in Scottsdale, trauma-informed couples therapy, and online sessions for busy couples across Arizona.
Getting started is simple:
Step 1: Book a free 15-minute consultation through the online scheduler or by emailing holly@theconnectioncouch.com.
Step 2: Choose a time that works for you and your partner.
Step 3: Begin discovering how sex therapy can transform your relationship at your own pace.
Reach out today to schedule a consultation or learn more about how sexual wellness therapy can support your relationship.
📱 TikTok: @sextherapywithholly
More Services Offered in Scottsdale, AZ
Our Scottsdale-based practice offers inclusive, client-centered sex therapy for individuals and sexual trauma therapy for survivors of sexual trauma. Whether you're navigating intimacy struggles on your own or seeking to heal from traumatic sexual experiences that occurred in adulthood or childhood, I am here to support you in your healing journey. Additionally, I also work with erectile dysfunction, PTSD, BDSM/kink, and painful sex.
Beyond Scottsdale, I also serve Paradise Valley, Phoenix, Tucson, Queen Creek, Gilbert, Salt Lake City, Park City, and Alpine, Utah.
About the Author
Holly Nelson is a licensed professional counselor and sex therapist (in progress) in Scottsdale, AZ. As the founder of The Connection Couch, she helps individuals and couples heal from trauma, anxiety, and intimacy challenges through couples sex therapy, EMDR, and Emotionally Focused Therapy. Holly is passionate about empowering clients to build sexual confidence, deepen emotional connection, and create sex lives that feel safe, playful, and free from performance pressure.
Holly has been featured in major publications such as HuffPost, Stylist’s Strong Women, Well Beings News, and VoyagePhoenix. Through her practice, The Connection Couch, Holly offers compassionate, trauma-informed care that empowers clients to embrace their sexuality with confidence and ease.